Texas, Can You Hear Me?

A desperate plea to end the random phone calls spurring from Texas.

Courtesy of Google Images

One would think it’s simply a scam. Just some depressing telemarketer who’s been hired to call Canada on a daily basis to sell a bunch of crap nobody wants. You know what I’m talking about – iPhones, Blackberries, none are immune to the prevalent calls recurring from Texas each month. But since our lives are far too busy and important to put up with these rodeo-clowns, it’s time to take some action.

Let’s start with what we know. We’ve each had various encounters with this tricky Texan which might help narrow it down. One friend actually accepted the call, only to find static noise on the other end. And another, got into a heated fight with her boyfriend; who was wondering what steamy phone calls were taking his girl down south. I myself simply find it a nuisance. Interrupting episodes of Dexter, getting my hopes up that a friend might actually be trying to contact me. Which is never the case.

Thus, the following is a proposed plan of attack:

1. Start answering all calls from Texas, yelling and swearing into the receiver until the bastard starts to talk.
2. Once they talk, threaten to take away their famous chicken fried steak unless they stop. Nobody should be allowed to eat anything that amazing.
3. Apologize for the harsh threats. Everyone should be allowed chicken fried steak.
4. Offer up an alternative. You will repeatedly call all of your friends and sit silently on the other end until they pull their hair out in rage. Giving the Texan a break from their job.
5. Ask what Tony Romo is like in real life. And whether the Cowboys are in for a good season.
6. Get the Texan to teach you how to use your phone chord as a lasso. Then lasso a beer from the fridge. Cheers.
7. Discuss a business plan together on how to make wads of cash through mass telemarketing. Within the year you’ll be millionaires.
8. Thank the Texan for all they’ve done for you. And let them know they can call you anytime.
9. Start receiving multiple calls from Texas each month.
10. Repeat step one.

* If you or anyone you know is currently receiving unwanted calls from Texas, have them call 1-800-Mushy-Pony and we totally promise not to enter your number into a mass mailing system to be used for soliciting purposes.*

– Emma Farquharson