Another Week Without a Day Job

Comedian John Hastings takes us through his average, unemployed day.

Courtesy of John Hastings

EPISODE 15: Smartphones.

How did I spend today? Was I basking in the sun’s glory, sipping a frosty beer and speaking to my dear friends about leather bound books written by the oldest men with the longest and whitest beards? Nope. Instead, I sat on my porch with a laptop tied appropriately to my lap gazing at the world passing me by as I read, reflected, and mused about which smartphone made me a better and more interesting person.

For months now I have been compelled to ask people each and every time they break out a smartphone what they think of it. “Is it worth while?” “How expensive is the bill, really?” “No, really?” So after my search, and after too much time browsing blogs, I’ve concluded that I have no fucking clue what’s going on. I’m the kind of guy who likes to throw his phone across the room when angry and since the iPhone is made of glass, that narrows down my options. Slightly.

As much as I realize I don’t need to have access to Facebook from a Greyhound bus in Anchorage, Alaska – I still really, really want one of these i-Blackberry-Treos. They look better in a person’s hand, they facilitate looking at German porn sites, and they almost give out the illusion that I am currently employed.

I also want a pet dog. Just for twenty minutes or so, then I’d like to give the dog back to its owner and apologize for briefly stealing said dog. But cellphones are not like dogs. You instead get sucked and fucked into a contract where you need to shave off layers of your own balls into an envelope in order to pay for it. Unfortunately, these phones are the soma of our generation and regardless, I’d like to fit in. Give me a can with some string and a friend who can listen to my orders and I’m set. But because the world no longer works like that, I think purchasing an iPad to help make my decision is in order.

Until Next Time,

–John Hastings.