Power to the Proverb.

A Cowgirl guide to complicated English proverbs.

Courtesy of Mushy Pony & Google images

Proverbs have always been somewhat tricky to decode. The first time someone asked us to “stitch in time and save nine” we ended up perched atop a lifeguard chair knitting water-wings. Well luckily for you, that won’t ever have to happen again. Observe:

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”

Real meaning: It’s better to have a small actual advantage than the chance of a greater one.
Pony meaning: When two birds are in a bush together, it’s pretty obvious what they’re doing. And nobody wants a deflowered bird sitting in their hand. You’re much better off holding the nerd-bird who couldn’t get laid all summer and who’s already conveniently chilling in your palm reading his copy of Playbird.

“A leopard cannot change its spots”

Real meaning: The notion that things cannot change their innate nature.
Pony meaning: Leopards are acne-prone creatures who have allergies to Proactiv. It’s very sad, but when they get a spot on their chin, it simply cannot be changed. They can either wait it out, or try to pop it with their paw.

“A rolling stone gathers no moss”

Real meaning: Someone who does not settle in one place rarely prospers.
Pony meaning: The Rolling Stones are the only superstars who haven’t slept with Kate Moss. Clearly, this means that they prefer a little chunk in the trunk.

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”

Real meaning: Don’t be ungrateful when you receive a gift.
Pony meaning: It’s rude to look anybody in the mouth, let alone a horse. Let alone a horse bearing gifts! Use your common sense next time you open the door and greet them with a smile. It will lead to future gifts.

“No man is an island”

Real meaning: Human beings do not thrive when isolated from others.
Pony meaning: We’ve been to No Man actually. It’s a very nice island just south of Bermuda. They’re known for their Dark ‘n’ Stormys and fried swordfish.

“Put your best foot forward”

Real meaning: Embark on a journey or task with purpose and gusto.
Pony meaning: When posing for paparazzi, you’ll notice the stars like to stand with one foot slightly in front of the other. This gives the illusion that you’re skinnier than you really are. To figure out which foot is best, ask your pedicurist for a second opinion.

Courtesy of Zimbio

“A nod’s as good as a wink to a blind horse”

Real meaning: To a person ready to understand something, any subtle sign is sufficient.
Pony meaning: Blind horses have a hard time getting laid, so whether you nod or wink at them, they’re yours.

“A light purse makes a heavy heart.”

Real meaning: If you do not have enough money, you will worry and be unhappy.
Pony meaning: Without our lipstick, Prosecco, Kit Kats, Halls, Advil, and Versace shades – we are very, very sad ponies.

“People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.”

Real meaning: People should not criticize other people for faults that they have themselves.
Pony meaning: Next time you break up with your boyfriend inside a green house, make sure you slam the rock into his face instead of the wall.

“One good turn deserves another.”

Real meaning: If someone does you a favor, you should do a favor for that person in return.
Pony meaning: When twirling in a sundress, you may have to rotate a few times before men start to notice. Persevere dear ponies.

–The Cowgirls.